It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
