He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
