um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
