thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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