what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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