She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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