best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
