It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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