He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
