I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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