Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
