Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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