For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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