if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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