Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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