2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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