Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it