Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
