i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
