I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
