This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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