Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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