dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
