Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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