She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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