I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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