Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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