there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
