Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
