mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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