so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
MIDGETS
????
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
