Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
