Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
