I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
