The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
