things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
