When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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