Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
