Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
