he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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