that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
