I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
