we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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