you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
