i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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