If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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