I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
