Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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