dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
