yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
