Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
