I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i love accidental penises.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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