i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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