I cannot find my penis.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
